K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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