I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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