Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
