I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize