20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
