he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize