You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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