Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
