I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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