the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
