the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
