I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
