I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
