Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
