I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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