I wish I could punch you in the face.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
