I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
