I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
