I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
