Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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