Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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