I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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