So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i think i just lost a toe
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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