you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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