You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
