your parents love me but you hate me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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