my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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