Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
