just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
