I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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