I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize