If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
