I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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