Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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