whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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