Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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