we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
