3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
