So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize