my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
