I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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