Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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