you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
