I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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