At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
