I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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