o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
