i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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