I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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