thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
