Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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