Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
