I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i now understand why vodka
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
