my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
