either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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