I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
