My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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