Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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