my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
