Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize