He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
