why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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