no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize