I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
