I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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