a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
