dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Duck Duck Cougar?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
