Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
