His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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