God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
