there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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